12 Things My Son Would Say In Your *Stupid* Meeting

Admit it – you can’t stand meetings. Me either. I’d rather shove a rusty plastic spork in my eye (think about it…).

Why do we loathe meetings so much? Most likely because they’re venues where we can witness atrocious and moronic behaviors while wasting minutes of our lives that we’ll never get back.

Guess what? The meetings you hold are terrible too. Seriously. Fess up. By the way, my meetings are awful as well.

So I had writer’s block and asked my twitter followers to pick a blog topic. Here it is: 12 things my son would say in a meeting. This post will be sort of like my April Foolish Office Behaviors to Kill post (go read it – you’ll love it).

For those of you who haven’t read about my son before, he’s hysterical. Acerbic wit. Moronic ideas. Biting sarcasm. Silly concepts. I guess he has a career in blogging ahead of him.

A little about my son: He’s 13. He never stops eating. His nickname is “Galactus” so named after a Fantastic Four villain who is commonly known as “The Devourer of Worlds.” Trust me – you don’t envy my food bill.

Anyway… in this post I’ll tee up 12 common meeting situations and offer you his take on that behavior. Hopefully you’ll see the wisdom inherent in his perspectives. I’ll simply give an example of the typical meeting behavior. Galactus will supply the commentary.

You should be smart enough to walk away with the implied lesson and the “to do” of changing the behaviors on this list.

12. You’ve invited *everyone* in the department to your meeting “so everyone can be in the loop.”
Galactus: “Can I get some oxygen in here? And someone please turn on a fan. And call HR. I’m pretty sure there’s some inappropriate touching going on what with everyone being packed in so closely.”

11. You’re late for the start of your own meeting.
Galactus: “Buy a watch, clown.”

10. Someone is eating during the meeting (and it’s not a lunch session).
Galactus: “Hey Chewy McLipsmacker, can you crinkle the foil wrapper on your granola bar a little louder please?”

9. As you explain something, the listener says “I got it” but you feel compelled to keep explaining.
Galactus: “Shut your cake hole. I said I got it.”

8. 30 minute meeting. 65 page PowerPoint presentation.
Galactus: “Do the math, chief. Ain’t happening.”

7. Your phone shows off your new Lady Gaga ringtone.
Galactus: “It’s called ‘vibrate’ Mr. Gagaboy. Give it a try.”

6. It’s billed as an “input” meeting but the facilitator does nothing but “output.”
Galactus: “If I knew I was coming here for you to tell me my opinion, I would have called in dead today.”

5. Someone is demonstrating their personal grooming habits (picking teeth, picking nails, picking nose, etc.).
Galactus: “The spa is down the street 3 blocks.”

4. There’s excessive use of buzzwords.
Galactus: “Allow me to synthesize in a value-added way that leverages our platform for synergistic conversations. At the end of the day, you’re a pretentious jackass.”

3. You conclude the meeting with “so next week we’ll have a follow-up meeting to drive this stuff to resolution.”
Galactus: “Meeting FAIL.”

2. You say “Okay everyone! Grab some of the toys at your table and start playing because they foster an environment of innovation!”
Galactus: “Wow. Corporate nursery school. HEY! THAT’S MY MR. POTATO HEAD!”

1. You say “Hey, that’s a great idea. How about we set up a meeting and get together to discuss that?”
Galactus: “Can we actually talk about it right now or am I missing something like your insipid need to have every piece of work you do be recorded for time immemorial in the annals of Microsoft Outlook?”

I told you he’s a sharp kid. And if you haven’t picked up your “to do’s” from this post yet, just go do the opposite of the above 12 items and you’ll be fine.

– Mike Figliuolo at thoughtLEADERS, LLC