Critical Tips Every Traveler Must Know
Most days I work from home but lately I have a lot of travel coming up. A *lot* of travel. And outside of airline delays (and terrorists), there’s nothing worse than dealing with a clueless traveler.
These are the people who cause massive delays in lines. They’re the ones who make the flight miserable. They’re the ones you want to introduce to your alter-ego Mr. Stabby McStabStab. And most horrifyingly, they’re sometimes YOU (but no one has ever told you).
So in the spirit of making the skies a little friendlier, I’m going to offer some simple, tactical tips on how to be a better traveler and reduce your risk of someone tipping TSA off that you need a cavity search because you were muttering something about “bomb in my pants.”
Feel free to pass this along to all the traveling rookies in your company. They were college kids a few weeks ago and they don’t know any better yet. Let’s see if together we can’t lick this travel stupidity epidemic.
Here’s everything you ever needed to know about traveling like a pro:
Humor: You’d better have a sense of humor when traveling. If not, you’ll get homicidal. The best laughs I can think of are over on FreakJet.com (airport people watching at its best). Nothing but the best pics of hilarious stuff you’ll see in the airport (full disclosure: I’m one of the founders of FreakJet and have an economic interest in its success. That said – it’s freakin’ hysterical).
Packing: If you have to sit on the bag, you have too much crap in it. Leave something home. You’re coming back and wherever you’re going I’ll bet they have stores there. When you overpack your “carry-on” you decrease the chance it will actually fit in the overhead (see below points on use of the overhead).
Arrival at the airport: Get there EARLY. I’ve begun saying “no” to the people who ask to cut in front of me in the security line because their flight is leaving soon. Wake up earlier. I did. You can too. Now, if you’re late because of a car accident or because your connection arrived late, that’s cool. If you’re late because you can’t plan, I have no sympathy. News flash: airports are more crowded and security is slower. Arrive earlier. Have a drink at the gate or something. Unless you can prove to me that a stampede of mastodons attacked your car en route to the airport, you’re not cutting me in line.
Security (part 1): When you get in line GET YOUR ID AND BOARDING PASS OUT. It’s not a shock that TSA will ask for it. When you get up to the TSA agent after standing in line for 20 minutes then you take 2 minutes rooting through your bags/wallet for your ID, it makes my head explode (and more importantly slows up the line). Doing this is the equivalent of standing in line at McDonald’s for 20 minutes then when it’s your turn you begin reading the menu to figure out what you want. Be prepared with your papers please.
Security (part 2): THEY’RE METAL DETECTORS PEOPLE! Please don’t be the guy who goes through, sets it off, then remembers he has 863 keys and a steel ingot in his pocket. Empty your pockets. This shouldn’t be a surprise. This guidance also applies to all your gallons of toiletries. The guidelines are simple. Follow them. Otherwise we get to sit there patiently thinking of various ways to disembowel you while you go through the metal detector 6 or 7 times.
Security (part 3): Once you’ve successfully navigated the x-ray and metal detector, it is not time to repack all your things perfectly nor should you be primping your clothes to look just so WHILE YOU’RE STILL IN LINE AT THE X-RAY CONVEYOR BELT. Grab your junk, move along, and commence repacking operations in the always-empty Jamba Juice lounge on the other side of security. While you’re repacking, stuff is piling up on the x-ray belt and we’re all waiting for you to get out of the way.
Boarding (part 1): Zone 4 means Zone 4, not “Zone 1 because no one can see the Zone 4 on your boarding pass.” Board when called. Simple concept. Even Southwest figured out they had to give us cattle numbers to maintain some semblance of order upon boarding. It’s like grade school folks – no cuts. No backsies, no erasies, stamped it to infinity plus one.
Boarding (part 2): If the overhead is closed IT’S FULL. DON’T open it to see if you can fit your oversized bag in it. You’re slowing things down. If it doesn’t fit you must check it (said in my best Johnnie Cochran voice). Also, put it in the overhead over YOUR seat. None of this “chuck it in the first overhead I see then saunter back to my seat in row 735” stuff. If you’re in the back, bring your bag with you. They have overheads back there too. When you put it in the overheads in the front row, you cause a chaotic mash of bag shuffling, gate checking, and general orneriness.
Boarding (part 3): SIT DOWN. If you’re having trouble handling your grande iced no foam double whip half cream half milk double pretentiousness triple snotty latte, your 6 magazines, your iPad, and your iPod maybe you need to rethink your whole carry-on strategy. Sit down. Please. Let everyone else board so we can get where we need to go. Related: 1 carry-on and 1 personal item mean just that. It doesn’t mean 1 oversized bag + 1 purse + 1 fanny pack + 1 souvenir too big to ship + 1 laptop case. I’ve stopped blaming the airlines for our late departures and now lay the blame where it belongs – on the people who can’t get seated so we can take off.
In flight: If you strike up a conversation, bully for you. If you are instead greeted with monosyllabic replies and furtive attempts by your conversation partner to extricate their attention back into their book, take the hint. They don’t want to talk to you. And if you do find a chat partner, please keep it below 974 decibels. Some of us are trying to sleep on this 6 hour flight. Also, if you insist on bringing your own food aboard, please rethink the tuna sandwich with garlic, onions, and a side of prune juice. Please.
Baggage claim: Grab it and get out of the way. No prolonged inspections. No repacking in the baggage claim area. Grab it and leave. ’nuff said.
Car rental: Betcha $50 they’re gonna ask to see your license. If you’re the person who was in front of me this morning who had to get out of the car, open the trunk, rummage through luggage to find his wallet in order to present his license, you really need to reevaluate your cognitive skills. Please be ready with license in hand.
Look, I know it’s about the journey and not the destination but I’m sure the author of that quote wasn’t referring to air travel. I’d actually like to enjoy the journey as I’m sure you would too. If we all simply think a little more about what’s coming next in the airport, the world will be a better place and the journeys that much more enjoyable.
Love this one Mike…and I'll gladly add a couple:
1.) That space under the seat in front of you? That's for the smaller of your 2 carry-ons. So, Mr. Super-Duper 2,000,000,000 Frequent Flier miles, just because you boarded first doesn't mean you get to store your oversized roller-bag, your laptop bag, and your overcoat all in the overhead bin. Laptop goes under the seat, coat goes on a hanger or in your lap until you're sure no one else needs the overhead space.
2.) If you're checking bags, remember the weight limits. Most airlines limit you to 50lb per bag; some are stricter. There is no way that they're letting you check the Taj Mahal-sized suitcase with 750 pounds of tchotchke. On a recent trip overseas I stood in a long check-in line because an absolutely clueless woman did not realize this, then indignantly held up the queue she was in while she repacked everything she owned in order to meet the requirements. If there's any justice in the world, her bag was hopefully conveniently tagged with the wrong destination.
Great List. I'd add a few more:
–Checking in. If your carry-on bag doesn't fit inside the mock-up they've got by the check-in counter, check it in. Don't be the guy whose carry-on bag fills up two rows worth of overhead space because you're too important to check in your folding bag.
–Security. Airport security can vary, so look at what the people in front of you are doing. If they're making everyone else take off their belts and shoes, its unlikely they're going to skip you. Don't wait until you get there to take off your items.
–Security (2). If the TSA agent stops you for carrying in a liquid that's not in a 100 ml bottle, don't argue with him — accept it and let it go. Arguing with him is only going to make him angry and not help. The rules have been around for years.
–De-planing. Everyone wants to get off the plane, but squeezing into the aisle when its already log-jammed with people isn't going to make it any easy. Most people follow the general rule that the rows in front of them exit first…you should do the same. Squeezing and pushing to get 3 people ahead in the aisle is only going to save you a few seconds in the airport.
–De-planing (2). If the flight attendant says "don't use your phone until you get to the gate", then don't use your phone until then. Its likely a several minute walk from the gate to the exit, and you can chat then. Its rude and annoying to everyone else; you're not special.
–De-planing (3). Thank your flight attendants, especially if you're a frequent traveler. Chances are they'll see you again, and will remember.
–Baggage Claim. Don't stand right next to the conveyor belt — leave 2-3 feet between you and the belt so that others can grab their stuff in case it comes before yours. It also widens the circle around the belt, allowing more people to see (and fewer people standing behind who have to barge past you to get their bag).
One can only wonder what experiences inspired this.
I guess I just don't get it. If you are flying 14 hours or something crazy, yes you might need and ipod. If you have a 6 hour flight, do you really need entertainment so bad you just can't deal?
As for your list, yes, a little common sense would go a long way, too bad people seem to be lacking in this department lately.
I could not agree more! And thank you for adding the one about baggage claim and standing away from the conveyer belt. I'm reading this in the New Orleans airport about to board my flight to Atlanta already dreading the task of fighting to get my luggage back.
All good thoughts folks. Thanks for sharing. On my way home from Phoenix yesterday, I found two more to add to the list:
– WALK LEFT, STAND RIGHT! 'nuff said.
– No matter how cute you think your kid looks pulling your 900 lb. roller bag, all you're doing is making him a target of silent wishes for him to trip and be rolled over by said bag.
Wow Mike, this is a topic near, and not so dear, to my heart. My additions:
– Your chair is not your bed/couch! Lean back if you must, but if you insist on 'bouncing' to try and make it more comfortable, don't be surprised if you get it shoved backed into you.
– Your seat space is just that, *your* space. Do NOT, under any circumstances, widen your knees into my space or cross your foot over your leg and put your foot into MY space, especially if you've been inconsiderate enough to take off your shoes and your stocking foot could knock a buzzard off a garbage wagon at 50 paces.
– When the fasten seat belt light goes on mid-flight, that is NOT your cue to all of the sudden get up and go to the bathroom.
– When the 'turn off electronic devices' sign or announcement goes on when departing, that doesn't mean 'turn off when you've finished your extremely loud and annoying call'. That means NOW Sparky, as some of us would like to get where we are going without waiting for your inconsiderate self.
– I love kids as much as the next guy, but parents, the top or back of my seat is not your child's personal kick/punching/grabbing bag. You can expect a glare and possibly worse from me if you don't control your little rug rats on the flight. I know this is their first flight on a big plane, but some of us fly for a living – have some consideration.
Ahhhh! I feel so much better now that I've gotten all of those out. Great stuff, as always, Mike!
One other thing that gets me rattled. I have an aisle seat with no one next to me. A young couple walks down the aisle and asks if I'd possibly switch seats so they could sit together. I comply and sit in the center seat a row behind because, OK, it's a two hour flight, no biggie. But then, before the flight attendants finish their safety belt buckle, oxygen mask, floatation device speech, the couple that just HAD to sit together already has their iBuds in their ears and are fast asleep.
Master u/w'er, & traveler
I'd like to add to the list, all of which fit in the be considerate of others category.
Cut down on the cologne or perfume you are using. The rest of us probably hate it anyway. Coco Chanel once said "perfume should be discovered, not announced", I'd add "to everyone on the plane".
I'd add to the list.
Hey . Just because you are joining the growing legions of obese humans doesn't give you the right to spread your engorged self into my space. Buy two seats. Or better yet, start walking to your destination.
I also hope that airlines will rethink the lap-held children policy. I can understand allowing it for an infant, but an infant is a baby who is only a few months old. An infant is not a two-year-old toddler that's a month away from his third birthday and already as big as a five-year-old would have been 20 years ago.
AMEN! My contributions would be:
1) WALK LEFT, STAND RIGHT (again, but apparently it needs repeating!)
2) "But it fit on the flight out" – yes, your expandable roller bag did fit in the overhead bin on the flight out, but now that you've unzipped the extra 3" and stuffed it with all the crap you bought while on vacation, IT NO LONGER FITS NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU TRY TO SHOE HORN IT IN!
3) I am Ms. 2,000,000,000 miler, and my laptop bag goes under the seat in front of me – always – and yours can too!
4) The "Assumptive Close"; nothing angers me more than to find someone sitting in my seat, making the assumption that I'll swap my seat so they can sit next to their boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/dog/etc. No thank you. I've carefully selected my seat, you should have done the same. If you had ASKED me first, I would have considered it, but since you ASSUMED I'd be OK with it – I'm not. Get out of my seat.
5) Feet. Feet should be kept covered by shoes AND socks. I don't want to look at your cracked heels in your manky flip flops for the next 4 hours. I also don't want your feet touching me (cross your ankles, not your legs!); I just threw up in my mouth a little while writing this one.
Its always difficult to mingle experts with regular people and air travel does just that. I tend to think this article preaches to the choir but hopefully it has helped let off steam that may otherwise be directed at real-live traveling mothers and overpacking amatuers.
Rachel,
I do have sympathy for 'traveling mothers & overpacking amateurs'. However, I think the article, besides blowing off steam, is intended for those two groups to possibly stop and THINK about how their actions affect those around them.
A lot of the reason you see comments like mine (and others) is that we're forced to endure the inconsiderate acts of others that can be *easily* corrected with a little forethought and common courtesy – things that seem to be in *extremely* short supply in this world.
Hiding behind the label of 'traveling mom or amateur packer' is just a poor excuse. It would be equivalent to a traveling 'expert' claiming ignorance whilst screaming at the top of their lungs at a sleeping baby on a plane. In short, ignorance or inconsideration are not valid excuses in this case.
This is not rocket science.
This should be required reading with a quiz at the end that must be passed before being allowed to fly.
This says what I feel every flight (and I take many of them). Can this be posted somewhere in the airport with 72 point fonts???
Let me add my two cents:
If you feel the need to cough or sneeze, COVER YOUR MOUTH AND NOSE!
If you sit in front me and you wish to put your seat back, warn me first so you don't crack my laptop monitor as I travel AND work for a living while taking these flights.
If you sit behind me, keep your knees out of my back and if you get up DO NOT USE THE BACK OF MY SEAT TO STEADY YOURSELF! Remember, two hours or 14 hours, your constant jabs to my kidneys will eventually invoke some type of retaliation.
If you cannot turn your cell phone off or find it impossible to quit talking on it after being told to do so, I will help you.
And if you can't carry your carry-on, then check your bag! Don't try to lift it and then accidentally drop it on another passenger's head. To the idiot in 12C, who dropped it on me and caused me to have a concussion. If you can't carry it, what makes you think you can lift it high enough in the overhead bin!