3 Steps for Dealing with an Upset Team Member
When team members are upset, there are three steps you can take to quickly help them work through their issue and feel better again.
Today’s post is by Marc Robertson, author of Working With Millennials (CLICK HERE to get your copy).
Whether you are leading a small team or a large company, eventually you are going to have either a colleague or report that is emotionally upset. We all are human and we all lose it now and then. Your task as a leader is to get that person “un-upset” and back on track so they feel supported and become productive once again. After having coached many leaders facing this issue over the years I determined there were three basic steps to dealing with an upset employee.
STEP 1
Acknowledge that they are upset with the simple phrase “I hear you.” This doesn’t mean you necessarily agree with why they are upset – the why isn’t important at first – the fact that they are upset is! A common mistake is to say “Oh don’t worry about that. It will work out.” We think we are making them feel better by saying that, however we are actually making matters worse, by making it seem that their being upset isn’t valid. “I hear you” says I respect you, and I’m paying attention to you right now. Many times this alone will calm someone down. However, let’s assume it’s more serious and you are going to have to keep going.
STEP 2
The second step is to tell them you know how they feel; you’ve been there yourself. Again you may not have faced the specific issues they are dealing with, but you definitely know what it feels like to be upset, so you DO have something in common with their plight. Now they know you are listening to them, and you can identify with what they are feeling. Whatever is causing them to be upset, there are multiple benefits to following this process.
First, you are showing the employee respect and that how they ‘feel’ is important to you and the company. They are upset because they care about their work, not because they don’t care about their job. They are invested in the job, and in turn you should invest in them.
Second, they no longer feel alone and isolated. If they are demonstrably upset now, there may be a good chance they have been holding onto the issue for a while. It may have been affecting their performance or how they feel about their job for a while – not just the day they are upset. That can be costly in terms of performance and employee retention. Suppressing negative feelings always has a cost, whether it reduces an employee’s output or performance, or leads to a lack of communication that results in mistakes or missed deadlines. It also can be a cause of low morale within your team. Nobody wants to work next to someone who is ticked off, or constantly complaining.
STEP 3
The third and final step is to tell them that you want to help them get through this! Now you are getting them back on track right away instead of ignoring the problem and letting it affect not just the employee, but also their coworkers and you.
Finally you have built a bond of trust with that person that can last for an entire career. They know you actually care about how they are doing; everyone wants to be supported in this way. You may be uncomfortable or initially afraid to do so, but dealing with an upset employee by empathizing with what they are going through and getting them back on track is an extremely valuable leadership skill that every company is looking for in an executive or manager
– Marc Robertson, MBA, is the founder and president of NewSkills USA and has more than 25 years of experience in the media, entertainment, and technology industries. He is the author of Working with Millennials: Emotional Intelligence and Strategic Compassion to Motivate the Next Generation of Leaders (CLICK HERE to get your copy).
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Photo: Reese Looks So Innocent? by Donnie Ray Jones
Great advice Marc. These steps can quickly diffuse a bad situation. But what if these steps don’t work? What else can we do?
Hi Joseph,
Great question! I haven’t had that happen too much, but when it has I have talked to them about their value to the company and to me as their manager. I let them know that I depend on them and need them. The outcome from doing this has been that they gain a renewed sense of value and pride based on the fact that they are important. As a result they feel the need to get it together and carry on. However, if the root cause of the upset is a legitimate issue at work I would spend the time to investigate and try and correct the problem. Hope that answers your question?
Thanks for expanding the thought Marc. That helps!
Good, my pleasure
Good message and the proofreading police have a correction for you — we all “lose” it, not “loose” it. Thank you for the post.
Glad you enjoyed it. And thanks for spotting the typo. We fixed it!
Major typos!
Thanks for the helpful non-specific comment. While we strive to be editorially perfect, we make mistakes. I guess we’re hopeful folks will engage more with the content and if they do spot the occasional typo, forgive it or at least tell us what it is so we can correct it. We also dislike anonymous criticism – it’s just a pet peeve hence the churlish response it’s receiving.
Good article. I’d suggest a fourth step though – actually doing something! I come from a workplace where the managerial staff has steps 1-3 down pat. The problem is, when you hear those words coming out of someone’s mouth time and again with nothing actually changing, they start to sound insincere and trust (not to mention respect) is lost. Acknowledge that if similar complaints become chronic among the staff, something tangible should be done.
Agreed, you hit on a major point. There actually is a 4th step to this that I try to impress on those I coach ( tried to keep the post within a certain amount of words) and that is to check back in with the employee. The timing should be based on what the job entails. Maybe check back in 1 day, 1 week or 1 month. The main point is that you make sure its not a one time event just to fix a burning issue, you are showing that you are seriously interested in how they are doing. Otherwise it could become just lip service…. Thanks for making the point.