Want People to Think You’re Brilliant? Then Don’t Say a Word
We judge people based on our interactions with them. Their clothes, their looks, their coiff (yes, I’m looking at you Blagojevich), and most importantly, what they say. But remember, we are also judged by others on the same basis.
In difficult financial times, you’re eager to make a great impression. You want to blow away senior management with how brilliant you are. You want your customers to love you. You strive to influence business partners to work with you. The thing is, you’re probably trying too hard.
I recently had a couple of experiences that reaffirmed an important lesson I learned long ago but have occasionally forgotten. One of those experiences reminded me I hadn’t been applying the lesson and the other experience confirmed the power of the technique.
There’s one surefire way to guarantee people think you’re amazing: don’t say a word.
You read that correctly. Shut your pie hole and great things happen.
The first experience I recently had reminded me to shut up. I was having one of my many networking/introduction coffees that I’m such a strong advocate of. A friend of mine was in the same coffee shop a couple of tables away while I held my meeting.
When I was done with my coffee meeting, I said hello to my buddy and said friend asked what I thought of the guy I had coffee with. I replied “He was awesome! You have to meet him!”
My friend then tweaked me. Hard. “Kinda funny you think he’s great. I don’t know how you make that assessment when you talked for 90% of the time.” (My buddy and I have a very open love/hate/tweak relationship).
I stopped in my tracks. Wow. He was right. Maybe I was a little too jacked up on caffeine and did do most of the talking (those of you who know me well are saying “Duh Mike!” right now…). But here’s the funny thing… I did most of the talking but thought my coffee companion was brilliant… hmmm.
The more recent experience went the opposite direction. I had lunch with a possible new business partner. As we ate, she explained her previous career, her current company, the challenges she faced, client engagements she was working on, her daughter’s impending wedding in Italy, and several other topics.
I talked briefly about my company and the training we offer. I quickly touched on how awesome my instructors and business partners are. The majority of the time, however, was spent listening and eating my delicious broccoli and cheddar soup. It was a perfect example of adhering to one of my personal leadership maxims: you have two ears and one mouth for a reason.
That afternoon, I received a call from my friend who had introduced me to the woman I had lunch with. He said “I don’t know what you talked about over lunch but she just called me and raved about how impressed she was with you.” Weird. I didn’t feel very impressive breaking up my baguette and dropping it in my soup (which again, was delectable).
Let’s see… Mike talks a lot and the other person is brilliant. Mike shuts up and Mike is brilliant. Counter-intuitive but true.
My hypothesis on the root cause of this dynamic is simple. No one thinks anyone is more incredible than they are. We believe in ourselves. We love ourselves. It’s human nature. Given the above interactions, it seems to hold that the more we talk about ourselves and what we find interesting, the more we tend to like the person who is sitting there listening to us and giving us an opportunity to shine.
The implication of this is clear – if you give someone else the airtime to talk about things they’re passionate about, they’ll tend to walk away with a more favorable impression of that interaction.
Try this: try shutting up today. Strive to only fill 10-20% of the available airtime in a conversation and leave the rest for the other person. See what happens. At the worst, you’ll be adhering to ol’ Abe Lincoln’s guidance of “‘Tis better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt” and at best, your colleague/customer/partner/listener will walk away with a wonderfully positive impression of you.
Caveat: this approach DOES NOT apply to job interviews. You should have 60-70% of the airtime in those conversations so don’t blame me if you do something stupid in your interview and sit there like a brick then wonder why you didn’t get the job.
– Mike Figliuolo at thoughtLEADERS, LLC
Photo: silence by Rebecca Barray
Good advice and a good reminder, Mike.
Too easy to forget that listening helps develops deeper and more committed relationships, provides the chance to identify issue/opportunity alignment (which is so key to a good work product) and sets up the right environment for collaborative work. When we rely on being the loudest voice, the smartest person or the teacher’s pet to get our agenda accomplished, we put ourselves (and our work) at greater risk but also miss the chance at being a witness to someone else’s greatness. Good stuff.
Good advice. I wish I'd taken it myself more often in my career….
Mike,
I didn't know you were such the biblical scholar! Proverbs 17:28reminds us, "Even fools are thought to be wise when they keep silent; when they keep their mouths shut, they seem intelligent."
Also, keeping your mouth shut and listening makes you smarter because you learn more by listening than talking.
Brian
Then the opposite must be true that if you ramble on endlessly you may end up with unfavorable results. Been there, done that. Think I'll try your approach.
Very good advice. Does reading blogs and not commenting count? 🙂
Mike, I'd suggest a variant of your advice – ask great questions. The people that impress me the most are those who ask insightful, thought-provoking questions. Yes, they do little talking, but their brilliance is communicated effectively.
Great comments all.
@Joe – I love that you're willing to test out new approaches. Let us know how it works.
@Marty – comments are different. There can't be a conversation without people starting them 😉
@John – great point. Let me ask you a question: can you give an example of when that has worked out for you (or when you've seen it work for someone else)? See what I did there?
I think it's because you were talking to a woman and she was talking about her wedding planning which is just as important as business. my philosophy as that you were a good listener in this case.
Great advice. The more you talk, the more likely to put your foot in your mouth. I'd rather listen and then when I talk (which is generally in spurts), people pay attention. However, I'm not convinced that they think I'm brilliant. To the contrary, I've been told that I hide my "smarts" well! Oh well.
Great post and reminder. Just think how brilliant we would all be or at least appear if we were all taught the importance of listening from kindergarten on.
I have always subscribed to the be silent and let your employees come up with all the ideas then if your idea was not brought out lead them to it. But when someone comes up with idea that is their own, they own it and will work harder to make sure it is successful.
I have been critized by my several superiors for not speaking up but my employees love me.
It’s true that others’ approval and enthusiasm can be elicited when one practices restrained speech and effective listening during conversations. Unfortunately this is sometimes because narcissistic speakers admire the beauty of themselves as mirrored by the voiceless listener. Since mirrors exist only to reflect the images of others it may prove difficult for a listener to establish an independent identity during future interactions with such speakers. Let us not forget what happened when the magic mirror told the queen she was not the fairest of all…..