3 Reasons No One Listens to You
Have you ever had the feeling that you were moving your mouth but no one could hear the sounds coming out of it? They go about their day as if you’re not there. There’s a reason this is happening: they’re really not listening to you.
There. I said it. People are tuning you out.
What are the warning signs of this dynamic? When you speak with people, they nod politely but are looking for the exits while they do. They check their Blackberry and have “urgent” calls come in every time you’re talking to them. Your emails never get replied to. Most importantly, the things you want to get done never seem to generate traction.
Don’t worry – the problem is not you personally per se. It’s the information you’re putting out there (or not putting out there for that matter). What I’ve found is there are three major reasons people aren’t listening to you. I’ve personally been guilty of all of these at one point or another. You probably have too.
The good news is there are some simple things you can do to solve those problems.
Reason #1: You Act Like Chicken Little
Everything you’re working on is important… in YOUR mind. Unfortunately, others you work with don’t share your zeal for the new firewall solution you just downloaded because you’re afraid of the trojan zlob virus that’s infecting PC’s in Malaysia and creating zombie bots that spam twitter accounts.
In their eyes, you’ve become an alarmist. Every time you come to them, you point out how pressing and important the issue at hand is. After a while your listener believes you find EVERYTHING to be important therefore NOTHING is important. They don’t have time to sift through all your cries for help to determine which ones are actually worth listening to.
The solution? Be judicious with what you deem as “urgent.” Minimize the number of emails you send that are marked with an “!” or lead with “Crisis!” If you are sparing with your cries for help, when you really need help, they’ll tend to listen more.
Reason #2: They Have No Idea What You’re Getting At
I don’t know about you but my eyes glaze over after someone speaks continuously for more than 2 minutes. You know the type – they never seem to have to inhale. They ramble on and on like it’s a magical mystery tour of their brain.
The problem here is you don’t have a story. You’re not clearly articulating what you want and why you want it. The solution? Take time to craft the story. Be specific about your logic and what action you want the other individual to take. This applies whether you’re trying to convince a front-line associate to perform an analysis or a CEO to pursue an acquisition.
You absolutely MUST define the “so what?” when you’re trying to make a point.
Reason #3: It’s NOT About You
Our default position for attacking problems is moving from ourselves forward. It’s a natural approach. The problem is your audience doesn’t give two spits about you. In their minds it’s about them (which is also very natural). Until you can get inside their heads and look at things from their perspective, you sound like Charlie Brown’s teacher (wonnnt wont wooont wonnnnnt waaaa).
You first need to speak their language. Once you’re communicating in a manner they understand, you next need to be compelling and help them understand how what you’re recommending helps them. That’s the only way you can truly drive action on their part.
Ultimately the best way to get listened to is to solve a problem your audience has. If you bring them a solution to their most pressing concern, they’re much more likely to take the action you desire.
It’s a noisy world out there. The better you are at being selective in your communications and speaking to people about things they’re concerned with, the higher the likelihood you’ll be listened to.
What counterproductive behaviors do you run across in the arena of communications? What creative suggestions for improvement do you have? Please share.
Mike,
I think this is or should be a concern for every leader. Are they listening???
I've found that sometimes people ask a question and they don't really want an answer. Our passion about our topic usually doesn't allow us to recognize this.
Tip – Start the answer, then interrupt yourself and ask the listener a question about the topic. Their answer will tell you how interested they are.
Jim
Wow, if these points could be integrated into everyone's daily approach, not just in business, what a more even keel world this would be.
Sometimes those who are ignored are the ones who happen to also be poor listeners. They are the ones who are in the meeting, ready to talk over everyone to express their opinion on a topic or they jump in for fear they will forget that precious thought that just crossed their mind. They may mindlessly blurt out comments without giving them much thought. If you want others to listen, you also need to be a good listener and able to construct short insightful dialog without walking over other conversations.
Once again, words of wisdom put to modern theme. SPOT ON!
Thank you for the reminder and refresher.
Very good points and as stated by The Resume Bay… should be integrated into everyone's daily approach. I don't think any of us truly listen… we're all too busy multitasking! And to Joe, I do agree that if you don't listen then how can you expect to have others listen to you? I think it goes back to the old saying… do unto others as you would have done to you. How would I feel in a situation? Remember that as you talk to others…
Thanks for the thoughts everyone. Seems like this post resonated for a lot of folks. Glad I wrote something that cut through the clutter for you.
Please pass this one along to others who you know desperately need to read it as well. We'll all benefit when that happens.
You left out that they simply do not care or want to get involved because they are not there for the long term anymore!
@Nathan – good point. As the boys at Metallica would say: Sad But True. I'd still argue that you can still get them to listen if you focus on an objective function that they personally care about (even if it's as simple as how they can make their remaining time at the organization productive and wealth creating).
Sounds like you'd enjoy reading Mark's new book Just Listen. I got an advance copy and found it fascinating, practical, research-based approach to get others to open up
@Kare – I'll keep my eyes open for it when it hits bookshelves (and I can add it to my massive backlog of a ton of great books I keep meaning to get to reading)!
Excellent points that can keep one centered on common sense approaches to communications, while offering new and valuable information. This appears to be a "must subscribe to" blog for those who seek to inspire and teach others.
Wow. Thanks Anonymous. Very high praise. I'm glad you're a subscriber and hope you share our message with others/invite them to join us here.
Mike,
I have made following observations:
Whenever a person hears different version of the story from others (same story from many people) the person may not listen to story teller. Because he thinks that the story teller is telling lies.
Example:
Most of the times, (poor) managers will go around and tell stories about some of the decisions taken at higher levels. Regarding the same event, the better managers would have given the fully different version to their teams.
A person won’t listen because he thinks that the other person simply promises and won’t take any action or won’t show any interest in solving the problems or attending to the requirements to execute the tasks assigned.
Example:
Sub-ordinate and Boss relations where in the team is working under extreme pressures.
Thanks,